Rob Conery's Blog

Man-Hating

Thomas Holland had some criticism for our latest This Developer’s Life - click the link and have a read. In short: he took a bit of exception with the point of view of one of our story-tellers. He doesn’t have comments enabled, so I figure I’ll respond here.

I’ll summarize my point by saying that, as men, working mostly with other men, in an industry primarily managed by men… we probably don’t have the professional perspective required to empathize with the women who work in this industry.

Dudes - you have no idea what it’s like to be a woman in this industry. Thomas’s post re-enforces that point.

Look, this is definitely a male dominated industry. Nobody is denying that. But according to Aqueelah, that is by design. As if we have set things up to keep women out?

What Aqueelah actually said is that “it’s setup in such a way where you feel like you don’t belong” - which is not quite the same as “by design”.

Here’s the thing: a homogenous group is by definition exclusive. Aqueelah is simply pointing that out. The Tech world is a rather exclusive male club. What’s up for discussion, however - is WHY (which I’ll come to). To deny that it’s exclusive is rather stupid - it’s the definition of exclusive.

This quote from Michael Arrington says pretty much the same thing:

The problem isn’t that Silicon Valley is keeping women down, or not doing enough to encourage female entrepreneurs. The opposite is true. No, the problem is that not enough women want to become entrepreneurs.

Another way to say this is that “there’s no women in tech because they don’t want to be there”. It’s a reasonable statement - Arrington goes on to defend his point in much the same way Thomas does.

Here’s why Thomas thinks there aren’t many women:

I have always wished there were more girls programming. The reason why there are not is not because we have a “no girls allowed” sign up, it’s because no girls are applying! I have only seen about 4 or 5 female developer resume in the hundred I have reviewed in the past 8 years, and none of them were even remotely qualified for the position.

Same response: not enough women want or care to be in the tech industry - that’s why there’s no women. I *do* think that women are equally qualified and I don’t think Thomas is suggesting they aren’t - it’s just that he hasn’t seen any for himself.

I also think it’s a simplistic, blunt response to an issue that no doubt has a ton of complexity to it. In other words “typically male”.

So, I’m not a woman and I think it would be a bit silly for me to postulate as to what it’s like to be a woman in this industry.  

I do, however, know what it’s like to be the outsider in a group where I don’t statistically fit in.

As some may know: I live in Hawaii. There are *many* white people over here - but it’s not quite the same as being on the mainland.

Being white in Hawaii carries some psychological baggage: we’re the Missionaries who outlawed hula, the Hawaiian language, and most of the customs of the people. We’re the group of businessmen who orchestrated the overthrow of the government and subsequent annexation of the state.

We’re the resort-owners and land developers who dig up gravesites and move the rocks of ancient templates so we can have a golf course and bike path. We’re the army that rounded up the Japanese aunties and uncles, took their homes, and sent them to “work camps” during World War 2.

Now - before you tell me to “get over it” and “come on” and “this is history move on” - yes yes. I know I wasn’t responsible for those things - yet they happened and my race is associated with each one. I don’t apologize for being who I am - and more than once I’ve been in someone’s face about it (usually out in the water).

The local Hawaiian people are loving and generous and I’ve only casually been called “haole” a few times, which is something I usually ignore or just laugh off. It’s a bit insensitive when people do it - but over here you get that kind of thing all the time. In the same way you get Arrington saying things like “woman don’t want to become entrepreneurs”.

Anyway - let’s put it this way: here, where I live, I don’t fit in. At least I feel that way. Here’s an example:

Our good friends were throwing a party for their son who turned one (very big occasion over here). The husband is 100% Hawaiian, wife is white from N. California. Sweetest people on the planet.

Kalani, the dad, had his entire “ohana” over - aunts, uncles, cousins, friends, friends of friends - a very local style barbeque and I loved it! It’s what I love about being here - this free and open way of living.

Beer starts flowing, someone smoked a goat, there was a pig in an imu and they were carving it up for Kalua pig… and the pidgin is flowing. They’re laughing, talking about someone who did something and “memba wen…”

I find my wife and together we talk about … the things we talk about. Now don’t get me wrong - I’m a social person - I tracked down Kalani and we “talked story” for a bit along with his friends.

But a weird thing happens: the pidgin slows down for haole boy. They do it very naturally - as if it’s just… something they do when white people are around. It’s jarring to me - they enunciate more and (as one friend put it) “speak like they taught us in school”.

I sort of wish they wouldn’t - I’d love to be able to join in. Pidgin is a lot of fun to listen to and even more fun to speak (when you get the words right). The whole flow of the conversation, the animation of the group - it all changes when “haole boy” is there, however - and I think I’m probably the only one that notices.

My Hawaiian friends change their group dynamic In the same way that a bunch of dudes change what they’re talking about when a woman is there. Less fart jokes, a little more crass perhaps… if you’re a guy know precisely what I mean. It’s unspoken, it’s good manners, it’s a glaring reminder that “you’re not a guy”. 

In an industry dominate by guys - this is the norm for women. To be honest if I worked in an industry full of women who changed their dynamic when I came around… well yeah I think that would bug me a bit. 

But as I said - I honestly don’t know how women feel about this - as I said I’m Big Haole White Guy - so there’s no way I *can* know. But I suspect it might be along the lines of “damn I wish my being a woman wasn’t such an issue”.

Don’t think it’s an issue? Think that we’ve moved on? Perhaps you can ask Thomas, then, what made him cranky enough to push out that Tweet and then write that post.

Men. Don’t. Get. It.

As an aside - if you’re planning on coming to Hawaii any time soon, practice your pidgin. See if you can get a few sentences down - like “eh - where u stay?” or if you’re staying at a hotel and the desk person is local, something like “like try for one room. you got da kin wit view of da ocean yah?”

If you get the accent down (you can listen online on youtube) - watch the response of the locals. It’s hysterical. Sometimes they give you a hug - or they’ll switch on their own pidgin, helping you with yours.